Let's be honest, here. Your writing sucks. A lot.

 

Skull & Bones Publishing is only interested in great writing - and yours is not, even in the remotest sense of the word, great. It sucks. So don't even bother to send it to us. In fact, you should probably delete and/or burn everything. That way, if you die tomorrow, people won't find out how much you sucked. Then your funeral would suck, too, and that would just be dismal.

 

Oh, you don't say! Your "friend" enjoyed the book very much! How wonderful!

 

God, you're such a loser. Your friend is trying to be nice! Either that or he's an imbecile. Nobody in his right mind could think that hackneyed gibberish is good. Come to think of it, gibberish might be the wrong choice of words. Valueless GARBAGE is really what it is. Man, you suck even more than we originally thought. Perhaps even more than the suckiest person you can imagine ...

 

All right, fine. If you want to embarrass yourself, go ahead and send your crap here:

 

Editor [at] SkullandBonesPublishing.com

 

Including a short "query" type of correspondence would be nice, in addition to THE MATERIAL. Two or three chapters is plenty, though. Chances are, your suckage will be quite apparent after the first few sentences, so it really doesn't matter.

 

Additionally, please don't waste our time with any of the following: Genre fiction (Sci Fi, Fantasy, Mystery, Romance, etc.); stories about Vikings (with possible exception of Minnesota Vikings); stories based on your own wacky experiences in high school and/or college (unless they take place in some exotic locale - say, Iceland); and, finally, stories in which one or more characters look for love in all the wrong places.

 

On the other hand, we are actively pursuing: Stories set in gulags or very, very dank basements; stories about Eskimos; stories about the paperclip industry; stories in which the protagonist is just a poor boy from down the bayou; and stories based loosely on the old TV special, Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas.

 

Then buy copies of all the books here at Skull & Bones Publishing. Read them. Study them. Understand their greatness. With a little luck, you could write something like this someday. Maybe. If you don't die of Scurvy first.